Gravitas

That day, my father went on and on, in his voice that echoed throughout the walls of the home I'd grown up in. He used to get like this sometimes. He'd get into what I called "philosophical moods" where he'd go on and on about life and different approaches. His reason for this was to teach me about life. To "prepare me" for what's to come. But, if you listened close enough, you wouldnt miss the air of condescension in his tone. He never really liked me. Maybe that had to do with the fact that he always wanted a boy, and that was NOT what I was. He always tried to make me do more "manly" things. Tried to make me strong and resourceful. Tried to make me a leader. In his words "no child of mine will be a wuss". A wuss. That's what he considered me to be. The subject for today's philosophical mood was the comment from my teacher in my report card. I has gotten 98%, but that seemingly didn't matter to him as much as the "Tolu is a smart kid, and she excels in her academics. But she should endeavour to take on more leadership roles and assert herself" written in my report card. That was what set it off. The match that set it all ablaze. I wasn't a "leader" and my father despised that. How dare I? How dare I lack the gravitas to lead? How dare I be meek? How dare I prefer to follow a leader? My "lack of gravitas", as he put it was "absolutely unacceptable" to him. That was all I could make out. The rest of the time I tuned him out. That's the only way I'll remain sane. Just tune it all out.