Mediocre

When I was a little girl

I always wanted to be special

To have something that makes me stand out from the crowd

To be different

Exciting

Interesting

Unique

To be distinguished from others

And so I worked hard for it

I taught myself different things and studied hard

But then I grew older

And I realised I didn't want that anymore

Because apparently being different isn't such a good thing

At least that's the message I got from people

Loving art and wanting to be an artist wasn't really a good goal to have

Loving music other than the one everyone else listens to is weird

Wanting to be alone and create things is silly

The people I look up to are weird

My interests are boring

Me wanting to splash my room in the brightest colours is a big NO

Me being in love with the sky is weird and stupid

The way I think about things is all wrong

Apparently everything I did and thought was weird and stupid

So I stopped.

I stopped trying to be different

I started learning how to be more like others

And sometimes I was still trying too hard

I stopped drawing and painting

I stopped being creative

I stopped writing

I tried to stop thinking

I stopped sharing my weird thoughts

I laughed when others laughed

I mirrored everyone's reactions and personalities

I didn't want to be the only one who thought yellow when everyone else thought black

I didn't want to be the only one who knew the answer to a question when no one else did

I didn't want to be the one who thought yes when everyone else thought hell no

And I said hell yeah when others did even though I thought no

Afterall they knew how to be "normal" and I didn't

I apologized a million times if I showed the littlest piece of me because it wasn't in the script

The new script

The one where I'm supposed to be like everyone else

I lost myself

But I guess it's okay since I'm halfway there

I'm almost at the point where everyone accepts me as one of them

So I guess it's okay

Everyone makes sacrifices right?

Yeah this is just what I have to do to fit in

While doing "what I have to do" I hurt a little girl

A little girl who wanted to be anything but mediocre

I let her down

And I'm sorry

I'm trying to do better.

I just don't think it's working